The Worst Parts of Childbirth • Wine Mom

The Worst Parts of Childbirth • Wine Mom


(happy Italian folk music) – Hi, I’m Hannah. Your friendly neighborhood wine mom and if you’re anything
like me, you believe that a glass of wine at eight
p.m. makes you a better mom. So, pour yourself a glass and let’s talk. Tonight we’re drinking red wine. This is what I like to call grown-up wine. And I always drink this wine
when I’m around other adults and trying to be an adult
and I’m like, (sniffs) “Mmm, yes this is a great red,” but it’s actually like kind
of strong and kind of intense. Like tonight’s topic. Tonight we’re gonna talk about the worst parts of childbirth. You thought pregnancy was bad. Strap yourselves in again
because this is a wild ride. There’s pain, suffering,
beauty, disgustingness, fluids. I already anticipate the comments. “Oh you just made me
not want kids anymore!” And I don’t care because
you deserve to know. So, let’s get started. Ohh, hm, I don’t like red wine. So just so you know, I had both
of my births in a hospital. So, what I’m gonna say
applies to my experiences. Yours might of been different,
but that’s all good. So, let’s go. Let’s start with the worst part. Ready? It’s not what you think it
would be, which is pushing out the child. It’s actually this little
thing called contractions. It’s like your body’s way of saying, “Get this out of me”. But instead of being like, “Oh
hey, excuse me could you like “start getting this out?” Your body’s like, “Get this out! “Get it out of me!” The best way that I can describe it is like a chainsaw has
gone haywire inside of you and it’s trying to get out. They get so bad, that you
will barf on yourself. I’ve literally barfed on
myself during a contraction. Blaaahh! It’s bad, it’s not pretty. The rest is not much
prettier, but at least we got that over with. Next, modesty goes out the window! When you are giving
birth, you are basically a live vagina exhibit
because it’s just a cycle of people coming in and out of the room, checking on your lady parts. There’s a woman who
will come in every hour to shove her hand up and
tell you how far open it is. Okay. There’ll be a random man
walking in, like lift up my hospital gown and be
like, “Mmm, hmm yeah.” Write something down and leave. And I’m like, “Can you at
least tell me your name “if you’re going to be looking at that?!” But the worst part is you
don’t even care at that point. I was like, “You can look
as long as looking is gonna “help me get this out”. Next, the flood gates. Your water does not
break like in the movies. A lot of the time you
will go into labor first and then your water will break at the most inconvenient time. So, in my first labor my
water decided to break as the anesthesiologist was
sticking in the epidural needle and that’s like the most key part, because if he misses
with that needle he could potentially cripple me or kill me! And so he’s there just like
“Okay, hold perfectly still,” and my body is just like (water splashing) “There you go!” And then with the second, my water broke as the nurse was hunched
over me, checking because I wasn’t progressing and she
wanted to get a closer look. Just like (water splashing)
like blasted her in the chest. She was like, “Ohhh! And like the water’s
crashing around the bed and she wrote on her chart copious fluids, because she said that was
the most she’s ever seen in her life. I’m sorry Linda. I blasted you with amniotic fluid. I’m, this one’s for you. So speaking of epidurals,
the epidural is like medically sanctioned hard-core drugs. And I don’t do drugs, but
whatever’s in epidurals, I’m sure they sell that on the street, ’cause I was tripping
balls on my epidural. With both of the epidurals
I’ve collectively said some of the most embarrassing
things that I’ve ever said in my entire life. I was telling the nurse about my love for Rick Springfield’s butt. I was telling the anesthesiologist,
in front of my husband, how much I loved him. “Oh my god, I love you so much! “You wanna just get married? “I just love you so much!” It’s like waking up the
next morning after being totally wasted, and texting
something really embarrassing to your ex. You like wake up from the epidural and you’re like, “Oh
god, what did I say?!” (groans) And I’m very grateful, but
I will never be able to look any of those people in the eye again. I didn’t even know I
liked Rick Springfield until I had my second son. (teeth clink on wine glass) Ow! Which brings us to the last
topic, the fear factor. Childbirth is probably the most terrifying thing I’ve ever experienced in my life. Because you go in to this
completely unknown territory, with a plan, you have your birth plan, but once you’re in the
trenches of childbirth, your birth plan is not
necessarily what’s gonna work to get the child out. For example, with my youngest his heart rate completely dropped as I was pushing him out. I had no idea what was going
on, it was just all of a sudden just pure chaos
and a million people rushed into the room. The doctor pulled out a
suction thing, just sucked him out of me and handed him
off to some other people. I didn’t even hear him cry. My husband didn’t get to cut the cord. And my first words, when he
came out, were, “Is he dead?” Because I thought that he had died. Luckily he did not, but
it’s the most terrifying thing of all time. I’m not trying to scare you. I just think that everybody
should go in knowing exactly how scary it is. And my hope is that by
telling you that it’s going to be scary, that makes
it a little less scary. Every mom who has birthed their child has gone through this
and you’re gonna be okay. You’re gonna do great. On a brighter note, once
you have the baby out, that’s when the really
scary and awful part starts. Because you have a kid. You think childbirth is
gross, try raising a kid. You think childbirth is
scary, try raising a kid. But I’m just kidding. They’re actually, they’re
blessings, it’s beautiful, it’s wonderful, kids are just blessings. It’s like 50% of the time. So, that’s all I’ve got for today. I’m Hannah, your friendly
neighborhood wine mom and if you have a birth story
that you would like to share, I would love to read it,
so leave it in the comments because I love hearing about
other women’s birth stories and just all the different
crazy, funny stuff that happens. I don’t know about you,
but this video has made me super, super hungry. So I’m gonna go eat some pizza. Hope you are inspired to have more babies. ‘Til next time! Bye, bye, go, go away. (giggles)

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