Best of: Jo Koy | Netflix Is A Joke

Best of: Jo Koy | Netflix Is A Joke


– I’m half white, half
Filipino, that’s what I am. (audience cheers) Which means my dad was in the military. (audience laughs and applauds) (laughs) That’s not even a joke. That’s real shit. (audience laughing) A lot of soldiers were
fighting for this country, my dad was dating. (audience laughing) I’m his Purple Heart. (audience laughs) My dad would say borderline
racist shit to me when I was a kid. Borderline racist shit,
but I knew he was joking, it’s my dad. Just sittin’ at the
dinner table, he was like, “You know why I married your mom, right?” I was like, “Why?” ‘Cause I love Chinese food. (audience laughs) “She’s Filipino, Dad.” (audience laughing) “Whatever. (audience laughing) “Rice is rice.” (audience laughing) What the fuck? Rice is rice. That’s so racist. There’s a way you can tell
Asians apart from other Asians. It’s by their accent and
only if they have accents. (audience laughing) Out of all the Asians,
Koreans are the easiest, ’cause when a Korean person talks, they sound like they’ve
been smokin’ weed all day. (audience laughing) Like right before they talk, just. (inhales sharply) (speaks in foreign language) (audience laughing) (speaks in foreign language) Koreans sound like Asian ghosts. (speaks gibberish) (audience laughing) My best friend growing up was Korean. I remember the first
time I went to his house, his dad yelled from upstairs. I thought the fuckin’ house was haunted. (audience laughing) Swear to God, right when I walked in. (speaking in foreign language) (audience laughing) (speaks gibberish) (audience laughing) Said, “What the fuck was that?” (audience laughing) Ah, that’s my dad, just wants
to know if you’re hungry. (audience laughing) You can do that with any Asian. Vietnamese. (audience laughing) What, I haven’t even done anything yet. (audience laughing) Vietnamese, I love Vietnamese people. You’re my– (audience member screams) I love you, you’re the
smallest of the Asians. (audience laughing) You’re smaller, but I will tell you this, don’t fuck with Vietnamese people. They will fight anybody. Those little fuckers will
fight, they don’t give a shit. I don’t care how strong you
are, they will fight you. They will run up to you and say shit. (blowing rapidly) (audience laughing) That’s their little feet. (blowing rapidly) (audience laughing) I had one run up to me
at the end of the show, (blowing rapidly) “Hey dude, what you say
to me like that, dude?” (audience laughing) They talk real fast, you
know they talk that fast. They talk like that dude. What you say to me like that
(speaking in foreign language). (audience laughing) They talk real fast, like that, dude. (audience laughing) Koreans sound like they’ve
been smokin’ weed all day, Vietnamese people sound like
they’ve been doin’ cocaine their whole life. (audience laughing) (inhales sharply) “Hey dude, why you say
to me like that, dude? “Don’t you talk to me like that, dude. “What, you say to me like that?” (audience laughing) Vietnamese people put a
period after every word that comes out. “Hey dude what you say
to me like that dude.” (audience laughing) Vietnamese people go real high, they go real high like that, dude, now low they start low like that dude then they go real high, like that, dude. (audience laughing) Vietnamese people sound like
they’re in a car far away and they drive by you real
fast when they talk to ya. (audience laughing) Hey dude, what you say to me like that, dude, don’t you say that.
(audience laughing) Man, say that shit again, man. Get out of the car and say that shit. (audience cheering and screaming) Japanese. What?
(audience yelling) Oh (laughs). (audience laughing) Japanese, only if they have accents, you can tell us apart. Japanese, very distinct. When Japanese man talks,
it comes from diaphragm. (audience laughing) This way, Japanese man, huh. (audience laughing) Ha! Hai! Japanese. (audience laughing) Japanese woman, doesn’t
matter if she’s 12 years old, or 75 years old. They always sound 12 years old. (speaking gibberish) (audience laughing) Okay!
(audience laughing) I give my ex whatever the fuck she wants. I saw that baby come out. Fuck. That. Shit. (audience laughing) And a lot of you women
need to be more graphic with these guys that ain’t
payin’ their child support. Let ’em hear, stop bein’ nice about it. Your daughter wants to take ballet classes and she needs shoes and some lessons. Your son wants to play sports, he needs cleats and some gear. Fuck that, be graphic. Why do I want extra money? Because those kids ripped my pussy apart. (audience laughing) Ripped. Ripped. Ripped it. Ripped. (audience laughing) (laughs) It doesn’t stay like
that, it doesn’t stay. I don’t want you to think it’s
ripped and stays like that. That’s the cool thing about the vagina, it comes back together, it’s fuckin’– (audience laughing) It’s like a Transformer. (audience laughing) It’s like Pussimus Prime. (audience laughing) The BabyBots (sucking sound). What the fuck? (audience laughing and clapping) (laughs) I saw that baby come out, fuck that shit. The vagina is beautiful,
just not that day. (audience laughing) That day, it’s its evil twin. (audience laughing) it’s not even the vagina,
it’s called va-guy-nah. (audience laughing) I am Va Guy Nah. (audience laughing) (speaks gibberish) Push, baby. Oh, come on, Va Guy Nah. Push, oh here comes the baby. Oh, here comes the baby. Oh, baby. (audience laughing) My son’s head was hanging out like this. (audience laughing) And then she coughed and he went back in. I was like, oh shit. (audience laughing) The pussy chick ate the baby. (audience laughing) I just remembered my son going, “Dad.” (audience laughing) I don’t hide shit, I
don’t candy-coat shit. I let my son know. I’m like Joe, I know
what you did in there. (audience laughing) “What are you talkin’ about, Dad?” I’m just sayin’, like I was 15, and I know what you did in there. All the creepy shit you’re doin’, I did too. (audience laughing) I was just better at it. (audience laughing) “What are you talkin’ about, Dad?” Joe, c’mon man, I know what
you, you were in the shower for 30 minutes, man. I know what you did. (audience laughing) “I didn’t do anything,
I just took a shower.” I’m like, Joe, you didn’t take a shower. “How do you know I didn’t
take a shower, Dad?” Joe, you were in there for 30 minutes, and your hair is dry. (audience laughing) I bought you a big bottle
of Head & Shoulders, and it’s empty. (audience laughing) But you still have dandruff, I don’t (audience laughter
drowns out speaker). But your dick always smells like mint. (audience laughing) Mint, mint and zinc come from here. (audience laughing) It’s Head & Shoulders, Joe. Not Dick & Hand, that’s– (audience laughter drown out speaker) I want every guy in this
room to know this tonight. You got caught by your mom, too. She caught your dumb ass. (audience laughing) She saw it, that’s a grown woman, she knows what her teenage son is doing. She just never said
anything to your dumb ass. (audience laughing) But she found it. Whatever it was you were
abusing, she found it. (audience laughing) Just didn’t tell you about it, she was cleaning your
room, and she was like, “Oh, let me get that plate. “Oh, that’s not a plate. (audience laughing) “That’s a towel.” (audience laughing) She didn’t say anything to you. My mom said somethin’ to me, ’cause that’s the kind
of fuckin’ mom I got. (audience laughing) But I thought I was bullet
proof, sock, genius. Sock. Sock, hamper, sock, hamper. All week, sock, hamper, sock, hamper. Two a day Fridays, sock,
sock, hamper, hamper. (audience laughing) Then Sunday came around,
my mom walked into my room. “Stop fucking your socks. (audience laughing) “Are you kidding me right now? “You want me to clean it? “Fuck you, Jo Koy. “That’s disgusting, I been throwing all your socks away, huh? (audience laughing) “You have two pair of socks
left for the rest of the year. “You fuck those, no more socks, Jo Koy. (audience laughing) “You gonna go to school
barefoot like that, huh? “The principal will call me,
Joseph doesn’t have any socks. “Yeah, because he keeps fucking them.” (audience laughing and cheering) (happy music)

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